Love Addicts and The Emotionally Unavailable
Are you a love addict? Or are you emotionally unavailable? Love
addicts give a disproportionate amount of time, attention, and value to the
person to whom they are addicted. This value is above the value they place on
themselves. The focus often has an obsessive element about it.
Love addicts have an unrealistic expectation for unconditional positive regard
from their partners in the relationship.
Love addicts do not care for, value, and can even neglect themselves while they
are in the relationship.
Love addicts will tolerate almost anything to avoid being left or abandoned.
This fear comes from childhood experiences. Although they want to be intimate
with their partners it is more like enmeshment than healthy intimacy. This is
normally felt on an unconscious level.
Love addicts and those who are emotionally unavailable addicts are attracted to
each other. Both have fears of abandonment. That is the common thread. Those who
are emotionally unavailable go a step beyond, and fear control, enmeshment or
loss of self. Those who are emotionally unavailable avoid intimacy and are
hypersensitive to any feeling of being controlled or clung to. The love addict
seeks enmeshment and is hypersensitive to any sense of abandonment.
Why are emotionally unavailable people and love addicts attracted to each
The initial attraction occurs because of what feels familiar". What is familiar
comes from things that were experienced during childhood. These issues DO NOT
occur because of being in a bad relationship" prior to meeting you. These
experiences are painful and very familiar, even if you do not consciously
recognize it as such. Please remember that these childhood issues dont
necessarily constitute abuse. They may also be in the form of an emotionally
Love addicts and those who are emotionally unavailable are like magnets: they
are attracted to those with the opposite issues. Just like perpetrator and
victim. Just like sugar and warm water. Just like grass and soil. They are
mirrors to the issues inside ourselves that we must heal to attract health
Neither of these types are usually attracted to non-addicted" people. When these
types meet the non-addicted person, the response is normally a reaction similar
to but theyre sooo boring", theres just no chemistry", they just too set in
their ways" or independent, we have nothing in common".
The other factors that contribute to the attraction, besides familiarity, is
that love addicts are attracted to situations that hold hope that childhood
wounds can be healed, and the fantasy that this relationship will be a
fulfillment of the things that were not fulfilled within childhood.
Although this is a complex situation with much more to be said, the bottom line
is that if we have found ourselves in one of these relationships, its time to
stop the cycle, seek the help we need from a trained counselor, and not repeat
the painful experience. If we choose to continue to give our power away to
others, we find that the universe dresses up the perpetrator in a new and
different outfit, making it appear to be an entirely different situation, and
brings them right back into our lives again.
Dont go it alone. There is help available to take back your power!
Cheryl Dusty D.Div.
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